How to cure a cancer
by Khalko
Summary: John had to resort to his friend downstairs to win an argument with the angel. Set in the ending part of the movie with John and Lucifer.


/ I got inspired into writing this by mr. eff's fic (go read it! s/9194491/1/You-Are-Mine) where part of the movie was described from Lucifer's point of view. I wrote from John's point of view, trying to have humour in it.  
Hope you'll enjoy! :3/

If John Constantine would have been asked at that time, he had never really been on terms with Gabriel. Considering his circle of acquaintances however, Gabriel was one of the persons he could have called a friend on his better days.

And you know, friends tend to have arguments sometimes. Theirs was about if the demons should take over the world or not. No biggie. It had ended up with John being bashed against a window. Real mature of an **angel**.

As he was leaning against the cracked glass of the window, John came to the conclusion that he needed another friend to win this argument. He **had **asked that very influental friend upstairs but had gained no answer. So, he had to resort to the one downstairs, the less popular one.

So he cut his wrists and hoped his buddy wouldn't be late.

When he saw the first drops of sizzling tar, he couldn't complain about his lack of loyalty. It had been twenty years since he had paid the man a visit and still Lu took his invitation without delay.

Lu as in Lucifer.

"Lu, what took you so long?" As he uttered the words he heard how weak they came out. _Think I appreciate blood a bit more now._

"Hello John. John, hello. You are the only soul I would come up here to collect myself," the devil greeted the exorcist, openly excited.

"So I've heard" _Great..First I was a punching bag, now a fucking present that the mail office has announced to having arrived._

"Mind?" John asked as he reached for his cig. _Won't know if I can find this from where I'm going so better enjoy it while I still can. _

The devil wasn't too impatient it seemed, as he gave John a go-ahead.

_Good news are..Don't have to worry about cancer anymore._

John sighed in frustration when he dropped the lighter clumsily.

"You know, when you cut too deep, you cut the nerves. Finger movement goes out the window," Lucifer explained.

_Yeah, I noticed, Captain Obvious._

"Here, let me help ya" Lu descended to the floor and picked up the lighter. Then he proceeded very much to John's annoyance closer, getting close to the boundary of something called 'John's personal space'. Of course he didn't let the fucker see how it affected on him but instead kept cool. The devil hold the lighter lit in front of him but teased him by moving it. John dared to give Lu the expression that said "are you a fucking kindergartener" before Lu finally lit his cigar.

But hey, that darn motherfucker just couldn't let him enjoy his cig without giving one of his maniac looks and making John almost jump when he closed the lighter with a quick hand movement.

John closed his eyes and took a deep breath to compose himself.

_Maybe I should have tried calling upstairs a bit longer. At least He wouldn't be such an obvious asshole._

"Johnny, I've got a whole..themepark! Full of red demise for you." Lucifer had given John his space back and was sitting again in the chair.

"Aren't you peachy" John mustered his voice full of utter smear.

"I didn't think you'd make the same mistake twice," the devil went into a more serious tone.

Constantine remained silent and tried to think quickly.

"And you didn't, did you?"

"So, how's the family?" John asked lazily, changing the subject away from the danger zone.

"Family's doing just fine. Busy, busy, busy. Need a vacation"

_Oh, wouldn't we all. _John's vision was starting to get blurry so he rushed to the point.

"Word is that kid of yours is a chip off the old block."

"Well, one does what one can."

"He's in the other room"

"Boys will be boys" Lu moved John's leg with his foot.

"With Gabriel" John added knowing well how the man would picture it in his mind's eye. And correct he was.

"No accounting for taste, really" The disgust went trough the devil's face.

"They have the spear of Destiny"

The disgust was swept away changing into suprisement and John would have laughed at the view before him, if he wasn't bleeding to death.

"This is another one of your cons" The devil said dupiously, warning John with tone of voice.

"Go look for yourself." John was pleased with himself, knowing that Lucifer had to make sure.

"You've waited twenty years for me, Lu. What's another twenty seconds?"

John pushed the devil on and grimaced mentally how he had made them sound like some kind of a long-distance-couple who were finally united.

Lucifer fiercely leaned himself close to John's neck, nearly touching it. For a split second, John was sure that the man would bite his neck off, like a shark. Or mark him. Both options sounded horrid.

The satan returned after dropping, literally, his son back to Hell. His cheery attitude seemed to have gone away along with his son. John, who already was at his limit, mocked him with his look. _You owe me._

"So, what do you want? An extension?"

_A shower and a cup of coffee would be nice but let's not mock the value of world conquer._

"Isabel.."

"What about her?" Lucifer asked puzzled.

John started to worry he might not be able to make a sound soon, so he gathered the strength left in himself and uttered: "Let her..go home.."

_She deserves better._

"You would give up your life so she can go to Heaven?" Lucifer didn't make any effort to hide his loathing towards His place.

John nodded with a provocative look to the devil who then seemed to arrange the matter in seconds: "Fine, it is done."

_Who would have guessed paperwork in __**Hell **__is that easy._

"Time to go, John." And the cheery attitude was back in the devil.

_God..Hell..For fuck's sake, I hate that stupid grin._

"Yeah…"

_You better help me out here. I can't stand that guy for 5 minutes, let alone eternity._

John felt a tight grip in his hand before the lights went out.

And then the lights came back with higer volume. John grinned as he ascended towards the light and warmth and in his mix of triumphant and euphoria couldn't resist giving Lucifer the middle finger.

_Aw yeah._

But then John heared the words that made his stomach clench ominously "You will live, John Constantine," the devil whispered in his ear, brushing his face gently and then exposed his chest. "You will live so you have the change to prove that your soul truly belongs in Hell." John was trying to figure out what he meant by that but as the devil plunged his hands inside his chest the only thing he could think of was pain.

"You will live."

The procedure was over and John dropped to the ground. When agony finally started easing, John's first thought was: _Lu, you're one fucking sore loser._


End file.
